I can sum it up in one sentence by saying that the life I am living right now is NOT the life I had expected for me & Ryan. Let me just say that off the bat. We had to deal with some major bombshells right after getting married-- for one, my family has been going through some really difficult times for the past couple years. Something happened that really blindsided us, and we are still working through the aftermath, each in our own way. Without going into explicit detail on here, I may allude to this from time to time, just because it is so significant in my life and the way I process things. I am forever changed.
Two, as many of you recall, Ryan was appointed as provisional full-time IV staff for the 2010-2011 year, something he was working towards for a LONG time, and something that we both felt God leading us towards. We were excited to begin our married life with him on staff, and me helping out in any way I could. However, that very suddenly came to a halt on November-ish of 2010 when he was told that it was not working out, and was let go. It blindsided us both, and to be honest, I was really hurt by the whole thing. But as time went by, God has been faithful... There has been reconciliation in my heart, and I have experienced the relief that comes with true forgiveness. In fact, if I think about it objectively, I can also see the ways in which full-time was not a good fit for him... Still, I do think about what was lost sometimes, and realize how utterly different our lives would be if he was still on staff. Sometimes I am still really jealous for what could have been, and that's just me being honest, particularly now as new staff is transitioning in at USF... it brings up old wounds and for a moment, they feel fresh again. For the most part though, God has really healed the bitterness that was in my heart and was eating me up for a long time... and for that, I'm really thankful. It's hard to let go of a dream that you felt so certain was from God... but who knows where he will take us next! There are nothing but possibilities ahead, and plus, what's the point of being somewhere if it's not EXACTLY where Jesus wants you?
So, here we are. We are trying so hard to trust him with the direction of our lives. It's not that life is bad... in fact, certain things are great. In spite of it all, Ryan and I are doing well. We are just super busy with school and work, but both of our programs are ending in the near future-- Ryan gets certified to teach high school English at the end of this month, and I graduate with my Master's in August! I'm really looking forward to our freedom to JUST work and do ministry, without fitting in school on top of that! We have also had a Bible study with some amazing international friends, and it has been a bright light throughout a gloomy and somewhat isolated couple of years. We're also back into the Underground community after a hiatus, and we're involved with an amazing home church community too. It is so profoundly healing to be around others who love Jesus and who are really trying to pursue him.
Things are looking up, finally, and I want to start blogging again... really to help me process the different events that happen in our life, and the ways that God speaks to us in this time. You don't have to read, but you are free to do so if you like. :)
He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!”(Revelation 21:5)
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