everything is everything.

Sometimes it seems
We'll touch that dream
But things come slow or not at all
And the ones on top
Won't make it stop
So convinced that they might fall
Let's love ourselves then we can't fail
To make a better situation
Tomorrow, our seeds will grow
All we need is dedication

{lauryn hill}

typical.

Come on, can't I dream for one day
There's nothing that can't be done
But how long should it take somebody
Before they can be someone?

Cause I know there's got to be another level
Somewhere closer to the other side
And I'm feeling like it's now or never...
Can I break the spell of the typical?

I'm not a consistent blogger.

You probably already knew that, though.

Anyway. Life is life, and things are moving along at quite the pace. Our small group for international students suddenly became... not small. Awesome, and slightly overwhelming! Ha. Luckily, our team of co-leaders has also grown, and I feel like we're still managing to make everyone feel welcomed. We may need to split into two small groups if everyone keeps coming consistently through the semester... we'll see!!

We're also hoping to start having leadership meetings with our core international students. First one is scheduled for this Sunday. I keep fluctuating between being really excited and having "OH MY GOD WE ARE NOT QUALIFIED FOR THIS" types of emotions. It's probably a healthy balance. :)

Jesus Encounter is soon. This was a really defining moment in the lives of some of our students last year. I am praying that most of them will come back to serve and volunteer, and that others will go through as participants! Although, I think this time we probably won't host them all in our house. Having 11 people in our apartment, while fun, was slightly insane. But it's okay... as someone once told me, "students are stackable!"

Seriously, though. Stackable or not, I don't think we could have fit a single additional person into our house. Preparing meals (mainly breakfast) for that sizeable crew was both fun and exhausting, too... I felt like a house mother in some kind of boarding school. :)

So thankful for this international student ministry... for having Casey, Ryan, and Josh as co-laborers, and for having a couple more awesome people joining us... for the leadership of Jeremy and our fellow Mobile-ites... for God sustaining this outreach even when we were doing almost everything wrong, and giving us a chance to do it well... for the students who come to a stranger's home and bless us in ways that they don't even know... for their insight, and the joy they bring me when we look at a passage together... we are so blessed to be a part of this. So thankful that God uses us, imperfect as we are, to be involved in this ministry.

Jesus, please help us to grow this ministry into what you want it to be. I pray there is fruit in the lives of our students, and that we live up to the responsibility that you have placed on us to lead them. I pray they become leaders too, and that they would live for you and do amazing things in your name!! Guide us as we try to better define our vision, and lead us in the ways that you want us to go. amen.

fun!!

Tomorrow should be a fun day...

1. Graduate with my Master's in Linguistics (9:00 am)
2. Lunch at our place with the fam and a few friends (11:30 am)
3. Hop on a plane to VEGAS!! (7:00 pm)

Can't wait!! XD

compassion.

RADICAL COMPASSION-- saw this on reddit and had to share:

Jesus in his solidarity with the marginal ones is moved to compassion. 

Compassion constitutes a radical form of criticism, for it announces that the hurt is to be taken seriously, that the hurt is not to be accepted as normal and natural but is an abnormal and unacceptable condition for humanness. 

In the arrangement of "lawfulness" in Jesus' time, as in the ancient empire of Pharaoh, the one unpermitted quality of relation was compassion. Empires are never built or maintained on the basis of compassion. The norms of law (social control) are never accommodated to persons, but persons are accommodated to the norms. Otherwise the norms will collapse and with them the whole power arrangement. 

Thus the compassion of Jesus is to be understood not simply as a personal emotional reaction but as a public criticism in which he dares to act upon his concern against the entire numbness of his social context. Empires live by numbness. Empires, in their militarism, expect numbness about the human cost of war. Corporate economies expect blindness to the cost in terms of poverty and exploitation. Governments and societies of domination go to great lengths to keep the numbness intact. 

Jesus penetrates the numbness by his compassion and with his compassion takes the first step by making visible the odd abnormality that had become business as usual. Thus compassion that might be seen simply as generous goodwill is in fact criticism of the system, forces, and ideologies that produce the hurt.

 ~ Walter Brueggemann, The Prophetic Imagination pp 88-89

I love this... because it rings so true in our culture today as well. Allowing yourself to feel compassion is painful and even overwhelming, because when you open your eyes, there is SO much hurt in the world... in our country... even in Tampa. 

Compassion is not easily structured or contrived. Showing compassion will often interrupt your plans, and it does not fit into "business as usual," but it is such a right emotion to experience. 

Compassion leads us to ask the question "why." Why is there so much pain, so much evil in this world? It leads us to look around honestly at our culture and the systems within it... and, if we are being honest, it makes us examine our own hearts and selfish nature as well. And this, in turn, leads back to the cross-- to our loving God who is the king of compassion, to the extent that he gave his own son for us to be healed and fully restored. 

Compassion is a radical act... and essential in order to truly follow Jesus.

break.

Taking a break from my final paper to make a post... I don't know what I'm going to write about, so this could be either special and unique or rambling and nonsensical.

I've been sick for over a week... finally starting to feel better after getting some antibiotics a few days ago. Started with a really bad sore throat & cough, and while they both got less intense they didn't go away. Then I started getting really bad sinus headaches, and THEN something really interesting and gross happened-- it spread to my eye!! Wow! I was grossed out and intrigued... I've never seen my eye do anything like it! It got really red and swollen to the point where I could only open it about halfway, and kept oozing this thick yellow goo... and that's probably TMI already. But I was impressed, really. I think it somehow spread via my sinuses and tear ducts or something. With some antibiotic eyedrops, I'm now on the up and up... which is a lucky break for anyone who has to look at me. haha. :)

In other news... I took a hiatus from reading comments on news articles for a while, but I'm back to doing it again... it's like some sick pleasure. I can't stop myself. It's just a source of ignorance, bias, hatred, racism, and spouting off things that someone heard somebody else say... there is truly no value to them. And yet, I read an article online about whatever current event or pop culture happening is in the news, and without fail I scroll to the bottom... and I read, read, read. Can't stop reading... it's always been my blessing and my curse for as long as I can remember. A blessing because it makes academics come very easily to me, and I can quickly inform myself on just about any topic... but a curse because I can't stop, even when in the midst of complete tripe. I wish there was something like Ad-Block for comments... if anyone has an idea of how to help me with this stupid compulsion, I am open for suggestion.

Also!! My Snoops is moving in with us soon!! I am looking forward to this a lot... hoping to begin regaining more of a sense of community, and fighting my anti-social tendencies that just won't leave me. And besides that, she's one of my favorite people and I am HOPING that it will be mostly fun, with minimal conflict... and that any conflicts or discrepancies that arise can at least be dealt with in a healthy way. I am looking forward to having one of my best friends around just to chill and talk and catch up on everything. :)

The downside of this is that we need to clean... and not just clean, but DOWNSIZE to a fairly significant degree. Nothing that drastic I guess, but definitely moreso than Ryan and I have downsized since getting married. We seem to just expand to fill whatever space we occupy, and that's a pattern that needs to stop. We've been working on budgeting, and while that's a work in progress, I'd say we continue to grow increasingly mindful of our purchases, with only the occasional lapse into unnecessary purchases. But now the issue is weeding things out, and striving towards simplicity... I am a person who likes to save and prepare, and it is VERY hard for me to part with anything that might be remotely of use in the future. I know it needs to happen, though. I am overwhelmed by the amount of stuff we have sometimes, and I feel like it ties us down and restricts our freedom to some degree. I am hoping to start the process of breaking those chains as soon as this paper is done! I just want to hold on to EVERYthing... particularly my clothes. Realistically, I probably have at least double the amount of clothing that I need. But I feel like I need to hold onto it all "just in case" there is that one PERFECT opportunity to wear something! How crazy is that.

Sad, but true. Unfortunately.

I think it goes deeper than just having too much crap around the house. It goes further, down into my very identity, and the way that I feel that my clothing and my appearance in general is this critical aspect of who I am. I am a byproduct of my culture, for sure... and that's the hard part. It's not just stuff. It's what the stuff represents. On the surface level, I can say that my identity is in Jesus, but dig down and it gets a lot messier. So, I think this will be both painful and healthy... looking forward to the end result when we have less stuff, less clutter, less junk to weigh us down... and more freedom to live for Jesus, in the center of his love, identity, and purpose. le sigh... can I fast forward a little bit, please??

...and there you go. I think it ended up being on the rambling end. I'll try to wait until I really have something to say before I post again... XD

anne braden.

Anne Braden... my personal hero. An old thirst for justice has been rekindled within me...

"Anne Braden," by the Flobots

ANNE: "What I've realized since is that it's a very painful process but it is not destructive. It's the road to liberation. And what really happened in the sixties was that this country took just the first step toward admitting that it had been wrong on race, and creativity burst out in all directions."

From the color of the faces and Sunday songs
To the hatred they raised all the youngsters on
Once upon a time in this country, long ago
She knew there was something wrong
Because the song said "yellow, red, black, and white
Every one precious in the path of Christ"
But what about the daughter
Of the woman cleaning their house?
Wasn't she a child they were singin' about?
And if Jesus loves us, black and white skin
Why didn't her white mother invite them in?
When did it become a room for no blacks to step in?
How did she already know not to ask the question?
Left lasting impressions
Adolescence comfort gone
She never thought things would ever change,
But she always knew there was something wrong.

Years later, she found herself
Mississippi bound to help
Stop the legalized lynching of Mr. Willy McGee.
But they couldn't stop it,
So they thought that they'd talk to the governor about what'd happened
And say, "We're tired of being used as an excuse to kill black men."
But the cops wouldn't let 'em past
And these women, they struck 'em as uppity
So they hauled 'em all off to jail
And they called it protective custody.
Then from her cell
She heard her jailers
Grumblin' about "outsiders".
When she called 'em out
And said she was from the south, they shouted,
"Why is a nice, Southern lady makin' trouble
For the governor?"
She said, "I guess I'm not your type of lady,
And I guess I'm not your type of Southerner,
But before you call me traitor,
Well it's plainest just to say
I was a child in Mississippi
but I'm ashamed of it today."

ANNE: And, all of a sudden, I realized I was on the other side...

Imagine the world that you're standing within
All of your neighbors, and family-friends.
How would you cope facing the fact
The flesh on their hands was tainted with sin?
She faced this every day.
People she saw on a regular basis;
People she loved, in several cases;
People she knew were incredibly racist.
It was painful, but she never stopped loving them,
Never stopped callin' their names
And she never stopped being a Southern woman
And she never stopped fighting for change.
And she saw that her struggle was
in the tradition of ancestors never aware of her
It continues today:
The soul of a Southerner
born of the other America.

(She always knew there was somethin' wrong...)

ANNE: What you win in the immediate battles is...is little compared to the effort you put into it but if you see that as a part of this total movement to build a new world, you know what cathedral to build and where to put your stone in . You do have a choice. You don't have to be a part of the world of the lynchers. You can join the other America. There is another America!

shadows.

Within the past 2 weeks or so, I have had THREE separate people confirm the same message to me. Each of them sad something along the lines of:

• I am a capable leader
• I am an individual person, gifted in specific and unique ways
• I am not in Ryan's shadow.

That last one was spoken word for word by each person. If I were not a person who believed in the Holy Spirit, I would attribute that to coincidence. But as a believer, I feel that God is speaking that message to me through the people around me in my life.

Sometimes I do feel overshadowed by Ryan. I am an introvert, and he is an extrovert. A lot of times, it is easier to sit back and literally let him do all the talking... and he is ever so happy to oblige. I hide behind, which in some ways makes me feel more comfortable, but in other ways I begin to feel silenced and even resentful. I know it's not his intention to make me feel this way, especially because I am the one who encourages him to take this role. But there is a part of me that is envious of the ease and reckless abandon that flows freely out of his interpersonal relationships... it's "easier" for him, but I want it too.

I am becoming impatient for this season to end... this season of me working full-time, completing papers and portfolios for my exit requirements, and teaching a class at INTO. This season of Ryan working part-time and searching for a teaching job now that his certification requirements are completed. This season of waiting for the bulk of our students to return from their home countries and wondering what our outreach will look like next year... and how involved I will be on campus... and where God will lead us to live...

I have been stifled these past couple years due to a severe lack of free time, and my own emotional insecurities and instability. The traumatic situations that arose all at once at the beginning of our marriage caused me to react by drawing inward, rejecting the community of other believers and the Holy Spirit alike. I regressed spiritually instead of letting Jesus use my trials to refine my faith, and ever since, I feel like I've been playing catch-up. This fall, I pray that I will have the freedom to pursue Jesus with reckless abandon... to love relentlessly, and serve with a selfless heart... to care for others on a deep and relational level. That last one in particular is always SO HARD for me to do, by the way. It is next to impossible for me to develop close friendships, and I wish it weren't so, because I do long for that sense of deep community.

But what is impossible with man is possible through God, and in my weakness he is strong. I pray that I can release my awkwardness, insecurity, and social anxiety to the one who is Lord of all, and that through it he will be GLORIFIED... that my own inadequacies would only serve to further the gospel, and to show CLEARLY that it is all through HIS strength and not my own!!

isaiah 58.

Isaiah 58 is hitting a little too close too home right now.

"You seem eager to know my ways, as if you were a person who does what is right..."

"But I do want to know your ways! I want to be closer to you, and I want to grow... I want to be a strong woman of God, filled with the Holy Spirit."

"Yes, you seem eager for me to come near you."

"I am! I want you to come near me! What am I missing? I lead a Bible study... I finally found a home church... I'm in the process of reading through the whole Bible, and I give regularly... why am I not closer to you? It's like you haven't even noticed..."

"You do all this, but you fight about petty things with your husband, and you gossip behind peoples' backs. You judge others, you are selfish with your time and energy, and you do as YOU please when you fast! How do you then expect me to hear your voice?"

"...I don't know."

I feel enslaved by my stuff... by my life. We need to downsize, and we need community too. We need to live with (or near) those who follow Jesus with their lives... we need an example. We don't know what to do, but we can't stay here.

I am enslaved by my things, and trapped in my own life. My stuff is stifling me, and boxing us in.

Meanwhile, I'm "too busy" to pray, to hang out with homeless people, to serve others...

It's all at a standstill right now, and some things are out of my control. But some, we can begin to act upon right now.

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
    with the pointing finger and malicious talk,  
 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
    and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
    and your night will become like the noonday. 

Jesus, may your everlasting light shine from the darkness of my heart.

where you go, I go.

"where should we live??"

That's the question of the year... sometimes it is so HARD to wait patiently on Jesus! (ok... ALL the time it is hard to wait patiently... haha)

Here are the places we have been (somewhat) praying about:

Ybor. This is the most obvious option, and with good reason. So many from our Underground community are there. Ryan and I are sick of being so isolated... we only live 5 minutes from USF right now, and 20 from Ybor, but it's one of those "so close, yet so far away" scenarios. I feel like we rarely ever see other people, and it feels like we just barely have community. It would be awesome to live in the midst of it all... and having so many core UG peeps in such a close vicinity would be awesome. But is it where God truly wants us right now, or does he have something else in mind? That's the question.

Temple Terrace. This is like the happy medium between USF and Ybor... and it also has the benefit of lots of international residents in the area, including some refugees and the like. It would be really cool to expand our international student ministry by being able to reach out to our immigrant neighbors as well. It doesn't solve the isolation problem, however. To my knowledge, there are no UG people there. We could be the first... or, we could be the only. I don't like the possibility of being the only, though...

St. Pete. 727, whaaaaat! So, I know that growing up, I lived in Pinellas Park... but it's St. Pete where I went to high school, and St. Pete that feels like home. I love it there. I recently went back over the weekend just going to various places and having fun... and I was overjoyed to be there. Driving down the streets was like visiting an old friend. After I went to college, my parents moved to Seminole, so I really don't go back to the St. Pete/P-Park area much these days... but when I'm there, I don't want to leave. Add to this that the Underground is expanding, and more people are moving to St. Pete and joining the existing believers already there. I don't know how it would be feel to be away from the core in Tampa... not only that, but what about the ministry we have at USF? But, man oh man. St. Pete just makes me smile, and maybe that means something significant.

Other places? The world is wide, my friends... and plenty of places have popped into mine & Ryan's head from time to time. Miami... Atlanta... New Orleans... Portland... Seattle... Guangzhou... Hamburg... Kuala Lumpur... London... each more random than the next! It's important to keep an open mind, and to remember that there is a whole wide world outside of the Tampa Bay area.

For now, there is not much to do except to wait... and perhaps to pray and listen a bit more actively than we have been. :) I have a feeling that much will become clearer as we see more details of this upcoming year, such as job and ministry opportunities. Patience has never been my strong point, and I struggle to wait on the voice of God... but at the same time, I am reassured in knowing that even if we choose something randomly out of left field, he will bless that choice if we live boldly for him, no matter where we physically are.

So in a sense, though it matters, in the grand scheme of it all it doesn't really matter that much.

<3

Pressing on.

Hey blog readers! It's been a while since I've kept up with one of these things. Since there has been such a gap in time since my last posts, I thought it would be a good idea to just start fresh. A new blog for the next phase of my life. It seems to always happen this way. I should probably start with a very brief summary of what went on in the gap between my old blog and this new one.

I can sum it up in one sentence by saying that the life I am living right now is NOT the life I had expected for me & Ryan. Let me just say that off the bat. We had to deal with some major bombshells right after getting married-- for one, my family has been going through some really difficult times for the past couple years. Something happened that really blindsided us, and we are still working through the aftermath, each in our own way. Without going into explicit detail on here, I may allude to this from time to time, just because it is so significant in my life and the way I process things.  I am forever changed.

Two, as many of you recall, Ryan was appointed as provisional full-time IV staff for the 2010-2011 year, something he was working towards for a LONG time, and something that we both felt God leading us towards. We were excited to begin our married life with him on staff, and me helping out in any way I could. However, that very suddenly came to a halt on November-ish of 2010 when he was told that it was not working out, and was let go. It blindsided us both, and to be honest, I was really hurt by the whole thing. But as time went by, God has been faithful... There has been reconciliation in my heart, and I have experienced the relief that comes with true forgiveness. In fact, if I think about it objectively, I can also see the ways in which full-time was not a good fit for him... Still, I do think about what was lost sometimes, and realize how utterly different our lives would be if he was still on staff. Sometimes I am still really jealous for what could have been, and that's just me being honest, particularly now as new staff is transitioning in at USF... it brings up old wounds and for a moment, they feel fresh again. For the most part though, God has really healed the bitterness that was in my heart and was eating me up for a long time... and for that, I'm really thankful. It's hard to let go of a dream that you felt so certain was from God... but who knows where he will take us next! There are nothing but possibilities ahead, and plus, what's the point of being somewhere if it's not EXACTLY where Jesus wants you?

So, here we are. We are trying so hard to trust him with the direction of our lives. It's not that life is bad... in fact, certain things are great. In spite of it all, Ryan and I are doing well. We are just super busy with school and work, but both of our programs are ending in the near future-- Ryan gets certified to teach high school English at the end of this month, and I graduate with my Master's in August! I'm really looking forward to our freedom to JUST work and do ministry, without fitting in school on top of that! We have also had a Bible study with some amazing international friends, and it has been a bright light throughout a gloomy and somewhat isolated couple of years. We're also back into the Underground community after a hiatus, and we're involved with an amazing home church community too. It is so profoundly healing to be around others who love Jesus and who are really trying to pursue him.

Things are looking up, finally, and I want to start blogging again... really to help me process the different events that happen in our life, and the ways that God speaks to us in this time. You don't have to read, but you are free to do so if you like. :)

He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!”(Revelation 21:5)